Yo! What’s up, guys.
I’m freshly showered and am now sitting down on my pink velvet couch in my living room. Lily’s in the bedroom laying down because she wasn’t feeling too well today.
:-/
I had a pretty great day today. It went by fairly quickly, like all days do.
The days aren’t as hot anymore here. Rain is becoming more common, which is usually the signal that a drop in temperature is expected.
All of that just makes me think about fall and the fact that summer is slowly coming to an end. I’m not mad about it. Fall’s actually my favorite season, so I look forward to it every year.
This year, however, I’m okay with it taking its time.
Here’s why…
Shit’s About To Change
For a while now I’ve been contemplating the idea of going back to school. I’ve consulted with all of my closest family and friends, who are all super supportive of the decision, and now I’ve officially compromised with myself to give it a shot.
Of course just because I’m deciding to go back to school doesn’t actually mean that I’ll actually be going back. I still have to apply and go through all the bullshit steps.
I should probably first start off by stating that I work at a university campus.
I work at an Ivy League university campus to be exact.
Now I don’t say that to come off as boastful because who really gives a fuck?
I don’t see much brownie points in that. I’m not one to chase status clout.
But one of the many perks about working in academia is the discounted tuition.
So that’s pretty sweet.
But I don’t actually like school. The thought of following a curriculum and being told what to do and when to do it drives me nuts. And although I love to dabble in my never-ending curiosities, I crave freedom too much. Optimal education, for me, means picking up a subject and dropping it whenever I please.
Soooo, traditional schooling? I don’t like her.
Still, I’m applying next year knowing damn well I don’t really want to go back…
Why I’m Applying
1) Status — I’m just gonna keep it real with you guys: Having the chance to attend an Ivy League will make me mad happy. I’ll be… That (Ivy League) Bitch™.
Move the fuck over, bitch. I went to an Ivy League school. You can’t tell me shit.
LOL I’m kidding. Honestly, the real reason I’m applying is…
2) Family — This should be a no-brainer. I’m a first-generation Latinx from Dallas, Texas. My mom’s a housekeeper and my dad’s a truck driver. Both of them are immigrants from Mexico City who moved to the U.S. when they were just teenagers. To say that they have put everything on the line for my siblings and me would not suffice to the mountains they’ve climbed for our family. So yeah, I’m definitely walking around with a giant fucking chip on my shoulder. As if I have something to prove. As if I can’t exist on my own merit without feeling like I’m constantly fighting against some thing or some system.
As if to say what I’ve already done isn’t enough.
Because to be frank, it isn’t. At least it doesn’t feel that way.
What is enough?
How on Earth can I repay my parents for leaving their families behind to give me a chance at a better future? How do I reimburse all the special moments that they had to miss? For sacrificing their happiness before my own? How do I make it all worth it?
Does anybody really know?
I really fucking doubt it.
But got dammit, I carry this weight around like a damn cuban link around my neck. And shit is heavy. And now this amazing opportunity presents itself to me and I somehow feel like I’m suffocating.
But I’m not. I’m free.
I can do anything. I can be anyone.
Life is really that simple.
So what does that tell me?
That these projections are self-imposed.
That all my parents truly want is for me to be happy.
And you know what?
I am. I really fucking am.
I’m happy.
And yet…
I’ll be applying to school come 2020. For myself, obviously, but mostly for my parents.
Because despite my silly preferences, I would not be here were it not for them and the choices they made.
And I’d like to do right by that—by their choices, by their sacrifices.
Now whether or not that means going to grad school isn’t really the question at hand, so long as I remember why I do what I do and who I do it for, then I think I’ll fair just fine.
Peace!