If you know me, you know that I’m gay. Like really gay.
Like, I’m a total fucking lesbo. It’s great. I love it. You should try it some time.
Anyways…
Two things:
I want to talk about heartbreak.
I want to talk about making the same mistake over and over and over again.
I think we’ve all done the above, yeah? Shit, I know I sure have.
More specifically, I want to talk about getting my heart beat to a fucking pulp multiple times before realizing that the source of all my pain was me, ya girl.
So yeah, I’m queer. Life is great. Rainbows and unicorns surround me and all that happy shit. It’s awesome.
A funny thing happens when you come out of the closet though.
(I’ve been out for about a decade now).
Once you’re publicly queer, straights will ask you some weird ass questions.
My favorite is…
So, like, when did you know?
Straights are funny because they’re curious about queer trivialities.
It’s not offensive. It’s just weird. I’m happy to answer.
Sometimes I’m a dick and poke fun at them.
When did you know you loved to suck dick, Carol?
All in the name of love. :-)
Straight Girls Are The Devil
Anyway, most times when I’m asked this question, I amuse them and tell them the truth. I knew when I was in the third grade, which is about the same time that children, straight or queer, begin to develop crushes for the first time.
In the third grade, I crushed on girls and boys.
Shocker, right? Child development is awesome, but self-awareness… girl, that is my fucking jam.
So yeah. Girls and boys. Third grade.
Boys were cute. Girls were beautiful. Boys were intentionally funny. Girls were funny by accident, which made them 10x funnier. Boys scraped their knees on the playground playing tag. Girls sang, I went to a Chinese restaurant to buy a loaf of bread, bread, bread. Boys were fun. Girls were magic.
So, naturally, every year since the third grade I fell in love with my best friend. And every year my best friend was a straight. (I say this because that’s how they identified at the time, I have no idea if this is still true).
Having a secret crush on your straight girl best friend was actual hell on Earth. Here’s why: It’s one thing to have a crush on somebody that doesn’t know you or that you’ll never have a chance with. (i.e. celebrities or strangers you’ve never met). That’s like everything you’ve ever seen in a romantic comedy. Yawn. Predictable. It’s a completely other thing to have a crush on somebody who you talk to almost every single day. Someone who you share countless of memories with, both good and bad, and who you tell everything to. Well, almost everything.
Think Just Friends. Remember that guy? He was miserable. That was me.
So, yeah. Straight girls are the devil. And falling in love with a straight girl as a queer woman is Hell on Earth.
Ryan, Nicki, and Me
In the 7th grade I had my very first boyfriend named Ryan. LOL, I know, right? Me? A boyfriend? Let’s all laugh in unison.
I didn’t have any romantic feelings for Ryan. I never thought about him, like ever. We did have a lot of things in common though. He liked Family Guy, I liked Family Guy. He was bad at math, I was bad at math. He liked to draw cartoons, I liked to draw cartoons. He liked girls, I liked girls.
I remember one time Ryan drew me a picture of Peter and Stewie, which I later put on the front sleeve of my binder—a symbol of our teenage angst-filled relationship. We wrote notes to each other, held hands, kissed sometimes. It was great. After a while though I became super bored. And he slowly started to sense this. Two months later he broke up with me, and we agreed to just be friends. I was relieved.
Relieved because in the 7th grade I was in love with my best friend.
Let’s call her… Nicki.
Nicki and I would talk on the phone for hours. I’d listen to her talk about her boyfriend. And she’d listen to me talk about… well, actually, I think she did all the talking. Which I was totally okay with. I didn’t mind listening to her. Her voice was the soundtrack of my summer. Any Boys Like Girls fans here? No? Okay.
I’ll never forget one of the most heart-wrenching moments of my life as a closeted queer. It was late at night, like a Friday or something, when I heard the phone ring. Nicki’s name popped up on the caller ID.
She called to tell me she lost her virginity to her boyfriend, and she just had to tell me.
*Cries*
Nicki: Oh my god, Nohemy, it was amazing. It happened so naturally too, like he didn’t pressure me or anything. I think I might be falling in love with him. Am I being crazy?
Me: That’s the point, isn’t it? To fall crazy in love. Dude, that’s awesome.
*Dies*
I was definitely crazy. Didn’t Albert Einstein say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?
I cried like a bitch while listening to “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol.
By the following week I was over it.
You’re probably thinking, how can you make such a big deal about somebody then be over them just like that?
My answer: Sometimes you need to feel the pain of your bad decisions to realize it’s time to do something different.
Let me remind you that this happened every year. By the time I started high school, I was done with straight girls.
It wasn’t easy of course. Learning to discipline your emotions is by far one of the most difficult tasks we can can take on. You have to reason with your feelings and stop them from running amok. You must learn how to accurately assess a situation that may not be good for the goal that you’re trying to achieve. Most importantly, you need to sacrifice instant gratification for long-term happiness.
Looking back now, I can’t help but think, damn bitch, you had no business being so got damn self-destructive. But I couldn’t stay away got dammit. Girls are magic, remember?
Peace!